Wednesday 9 June 2010



It is'nt rememberence sunday today and i thought id write my own little tribute to the members of my family who were involved in the country's wars. My family have always loved to fight and so have always been in the army or navy or air force when a
The picture on the right is my Ancestor Charles 'nutter' Emery (third from right, blank expression) This picture was taken in south africa in the Zulu Wars of 188something. 50 thousand Zulu warriors hove into view an hour after this picture was taken. He won the order of the British empire, the George cross, the OBE and the victoria cross for what he did next- when noone was looking he dodged behind a tree, covered himself with boot polish, made a grass skirt and made a spear out of a stick, after this he joined the Zulus while they were ransacking the now destroyed British camp and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible by singing 'call me al' from Paul Simon's graceland LP and most of Black mombasas back catalogue (all male african singing quartet) After charging to the next British camp at Isandlewana and helping in the victory there he went back and made camp with the victourious Zulus he later said he quite enjoyed the topless dancing and was said to have partied 'until the shadows were long in the sand' Great, Great Grandpop Emery was suffering from a head cold at this time and unbeknown to him it was fatal in those days for Zulus and he managed to kill most of them while he was making a lemsip and passing it round at night . In the morning they were all dead- the wounded were crying out for hot water bottles, night nurse and tissues, he had to close his ears and leave the awful sight behind.He stowed away on an oil tanker headed for staines. When he returned to England he lied and said hed shot the lot with a gun and Queen Victoria gave him the medals for being so brave. Unfourtunately he slipped on the stairs on the way to buck palace and broke his neck, he was buried two days later in the ground in a quiet family ceremony which noone in the family went to.

Another ancestor Silus 'slowcoach' Emery was at waterloo in 18something and 5 he was the back end of Wellingtons horse- the front end was his brother Betty 'Ladyboy' Emery who had brought the wrong costume so for a while the famous Duke's warhorse looked like a cow from the front, luckily he managed to turn the udders inside out and save further embarrassment for Wellington, happily they were both put out to pasture after the battle and lived out the rest of their lives running about in a field next to heathrow airport.

My Uncle was at the battle of Ypres in Belguim at the end of the first world war, he suffered shell shock they say whenever he heard the whine of a shell or the crack of a bullet he would run at high speed away from the enemy screaming-noone could stop him until he reached Slough trading estate, whereupon he would climb in a skip and start talking in tongues, they took him back 28 times-and he was subject to torture by Colonic Irrigation until eventually he was shot by firing squad for cowardice in the face of an enema. (boom boom!) He was just 59, his name appears on the memorial to the useless in Menin gate belgium.

In the second world war my grandfather Eddie 'liability' Emery was a fighter pilot and was shot down over the English coast. He was bravely taking part in one of the most important air battles the world has ever known- the battle of Britain. His messershmidt 109E fighter was coming back from a raid on London when he was hit by a coastal AA catapault fired by a girl, he crash landed in Dover, the aircraft made it safely back to base. He was gutted. Hitler was said to have said 'keep him' when offered a swap with a another british pilot. The British gave him the George Medal because the one bomb he did drop landed on the cherry tree pub in West Drayton, thankfully destroying it completely. He spent the rest of the war in prison for treason, or some other jumped up charge. He was hung in 1945 at the tower of london in London.

My great uncle Savage was a crap Paratrooper who jumped at arnham,not the battle of arnham -this was a year before that, he jumped for no reason. (thats a picture of him in a stolen officers uniform below) he strapped a paraqueet to his back and jumped out- sadly he plunged to his death, the inquest found he wasnt dyslexic just really really stupid. The Germans pissed their pants so it is said. He was awarded the Iron Cross posthumously by the Germans because he had boosted their moral. Noone knows the fate of the poor paraqueet, although some reports suggest the Germans painted him grey and had him made into a cuckoo clock, bastards -no doubt another casualty of war. My father was a lance corporal in the Royal army service corp in the fifties as part of his national service- unfourtunately the only action he saw was in the bar, he has many a scar from falling over on the way back to the base though. After 3 years based all over germany he came home with knowledge of only four German phrases 'Eggs' 'waiter' ''Ladyboy?' and 'Bugger off i didnt touch her'' which is one more than he knows in English.

And so that brings us to the modern day and my fighting history - Ive seen in action in most of the adventure playgrounds in this country, me Pete and his mates 'the hoodies' from Acton Vale used to think nothing of piling into a scrap every time we saw a much younger, smaller kid on his own, so yes weve done our bit i can tell you. Me and Pete used to reguarly tell his bigger bodygaurds to have a fight with the smaller bouncers at broadway boulevard in ealing because they wouldnt let us in.
Seated with pipe in gob is my great great grandfather, this is taken in africa during the time when we invaded countries and chased the natives out at the point of a bayonet for a laugh.
time of conflict occurs. The picture on the right is my Ancestor Charles 'nutter' Emery (third from right, blank expression) This picture was taken in south africa in the Zulu Wars of 188something. 50 thousand Zulu warriors hove into view an hour after this picture was taken. He won the order of the British empire, the George cross, the OBE and the victoria cross for what he did next- when noone was looking he dodged behind a tree, covered himself with boot polish, made a grass skirt and made a spear out of a stick, after this he joined the Zulus while they were ransacking the now destroyed British camp and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible by singing 'call me al' from Paul Simon's graceland LP and most of Black mombasas back catalogue (all male african singing quartet) After charging to the next British camp at Isandlewana and helping in the victory there he went back and made camp with the victourious Zulus he later said he quite enjoyed the topless dancing and was said to have partied 'until the shadows were long in the sand' Great, Great Grandpop Emery was suffering from a head cold at this time and unbeknown to him it was fatal in those days for Zulus and he managed to kill most of them while he was making a lemsip and passing it round at night . In the morning they were all dead- the wounded were crying out for hot water bottles, night nurse and tissues, he had to close his ears and leave the awful sight behind.He stowed away on an oil tanker headed for staines. When he returned to England he lied and said hed shot the lot with a gun and Queen Victoria gave him the medals for being so brave. Unfourtunately he slipped on the stairs on the way to buck palace and broke his neck, he was buried two days later in the ground in a quiet family ceremony which noone in the family went to.

Another ancestor Silus 'slowcoach' Emery was at waterloo in 18something and 5 he was the back end of Wellingtons horse- the front end was his brother Betty 'Ladyboy' Emery who had brought the wrong costume so for a while the famous Duke's warhorse looked like a cow from the front, luckily he managed to turn the udders inside out and save further embarrassment for Wellington, happily they were both put out to pasture after the battle and lived out the rest of their lives running about in a field next to heathrow airport.

My Uncle was at the battle of Ypres in Belguim at the end of the first world war, he suffered shell shock they say whenever he heard the whine of a shell or the crack of a bullet he would run at high speed away from the enemy screaming-noone could stop him until he reached Slough trading estate, whereupon he would climb in a skip and start talking in tongues, they took him back 28 times-and he was subject to torture by Colonic Irrigation until eventually he was shot by firing squad for cowardice in the face of an enema. (boom boom!) He was just 59, his name appears on the memorial to the useless in Menin gate belgium.

In the second world war my grandfather Eddie 'liability' Emery was a fighter pilot and was shot down over the English coast. He was bravely taking part in one of the most important air battles the world has ever known- the battle of Britain. His messershmidt 109E fighter was coming back from a raid on London when he was hit by a coastal AA catapault fired by a girl, he crash landed in Dover, the aircraft made it safely back to base. He was gutted. Hitler was said to have said 'keep him' when offered a swap with a another british pilot. The British gave him the George Medal because the one bomb he did drop landed on the cherry tree pub in West Drayton, thankfully destroying it completely. He spent the rest of the war in prison for treason, or some other jumped up charge. He was hung in 1945 at the tower of london in London.

My great uncle Savage was a crap Paratrooper who jumped at arnham,not the battle of arnham -this was a year before that, he jumped for no reason. (thats a picture of him in a stolen officers uniform below) he strapped a paraqueet to his back and jumped out- sadly he plunged to his death, the inquest found he wasnt dyslexic just really really stupid. The Germans pissed their pants so it is said. He was awarded the Iron Cross posthumously by the Germans because he had boosted their moral. Noone knows the fate of the poor paraqueet, although some reports suggest the Germans painted him grey and had him made into a cuckoo clock, bastards -no doubt another casualty of war. My father was a lance corporal in the Royal army service corp in the fifties as part of his national service- unfourtunately the only action he saw was in the bar, he has many a scar from falling over on the way back to the base though. After 3 years based all over germany he came home with knowledge of only four German phrases 'Eggs' 'waiter' ''Ladyboy?' and 'Bugger off i didnt touch her'' which is one more than he knows in English.

And so that brings us to the modern day and my fighting history - Ive seen in action in most of the adventure playgrounds in this country, me Pete and his mates 'the hoodies' from Acton Vale used to think nothing of piling into a scrap every time we saw a much younger, smaller kid on his own, so yes weve done our bit i can tell you. Me and Pete used to reguarly tell his bigger bodygaurds to have a fight with the smaller bouncers at broadway boulevard in ealing because they wouldnt let us in.

ME AND JODIE FOSTER

Some of you may know that i went out with Jodie Foster recently, it was a very quick, very 'intense' relationship to say the least. When i met her she was under the impression that she was a lesbian- of course she isnt now, but she wouldnt credit me with that -oh no. Jodie is a lovely girl, sexy as hell-but shes a stubborn little cow as well. We go way way way back to when she starred in the kids movie ''Bugsy malone'' the movie had a very strange script in which the gangster kids shot at each other with tommy guns which fired custard pies- basically it was really rubbish! Jodie was 12 and i was 9 but we fell in love instantly, and immediately there and then. I played her best friend a little girl called denise because at 9 i looked more like a girl than a boy, the dress my mother insist i wear out never helped though.

When the movie ended we went our seperate ways, i had my future mapped out for me -a slow paced walk into lifelong obscurity and the life of a hobo, her onto do silence of the clams, the seafood movie that made her millions, and a household name, like chair or kitchen. She won 60 academy awards for her part of clarice sparrow, the seafood expert and agent for Macfisheries, who goes to see the most intelligent fish expert in the world - Dr Cannibal spectre who lives in a cell played by the welsher Sir Anthony Hopkins, as soon as i watched the whole movie a couple of times and then the credits i knew it was her, the same girl id fallen in love with when i was a cross dressing infant. I had to meet her again, i searched high and low for her address in the phone book and got nowhere, then one day whilst signing on i see this vision of beauty coming out of Southall snooker hall with aman/woman in dungarees, and getting in a Ford Zodiac, ''Jodie!' i shouted, ''i dont talk to men'' she said and drove off, i gave chase on a plastic scooter i commandered of a five year old, a mile up the road the traffic built up and i was gaining on her rapidly, she kept looking at me in the mirror as i pushed the plastic red scooter along behind her, as i finally drew close the lights turned red, she braked hard, i didnt and me and the scooter ended up smashed on the road- well i wasnt but the scooter was well and truely knackered', coming to my senses, i jumped in the passenger seat, bowed my head and said ''Jodie it s me - Neil from 1974, remember the girl- your best friend? it was me, im a boy im a boy but my ma wont admit it im a boy im a boy I M A BOY!'' and sang and danced about like a tit. ''Oh my god'' she said ''my best friend i do remember you, and you were a boy all along? thats why i thought i was a lesbian because ive never stopped loving you'' we embraced and kissed and made love right there in the car,i was brilliant and i knew it, we did both the positions and everything.

Afterwards i lit up a fag and i said to her ''is that a drive in macdonalds over there because im gasping for a cuppa ill buy you one too, no leave your money alone, this is my shout!'' we spent the evening, talking about the old days drinking tea and making a mess of her car with plastic spoons, polystyrene cups and napkins. This was it, the big one, i was in love with her by 2am, the way she flicked her hair, her accent her cute little nose, we talked about her great acting in 'clams' that 'panicroom' one where she dont wear a bra and runs away from burglars in a big house, Taxi driver where she drives the taxi,and the other one about the aliens and then she said ''yeh yeh and somersby and maverick with mel gibson'' I went quiet suddenly remembering those two films..... ''whats up Neil have i upset you?'' ''neil?'' horror went through my body like an anesthtic, cold and creeping up your arm. My mouth was dry and and i felt that my toungue was too big for my gob, ''I , I, I.....'' ''Oh stone the crows is that really the time, id better go actually Jodie, mums doing me potato waffles and fish fingers tonight, great seeing you though eh? t ta!'' i left her in Macdonalds car park looking a little confused, bloody somersby, the worse film ever made, but wait no thats not true- Maverick was the worse with somersby right up its tailpipe- has she no shame at all? Bloody Lesbians!

LOVE RAINED O'ER ME




Here's a picture of another mad evening with the lads on a 'jolly boys outing' to 'paradise lost' the premier club just outside london in a dump called watford. Watford is known for the famous ford that runs through it but which noone has ever seen, thats how it got its name because everyone who goes there says ''what-bloody ford?''This night out included me, Eddie Cochran, Johnny Depp and of course Pete Townshed (Pete Townshend is taking the picture)

Me and Johnny Depp go way way back to when he was playing Eddie stupid-hands some 70 years ago and I was a scene shifter at Richmond Theatre where he was doing a stupid-hands matinee. Basically weve been like brothers ever since i told him i was tight with Pete Townshend- Johnny is a big Who fan and when we go out he pretends to be terrified that Pete wont come. ''it wont be just you will it?' he goes 'hehe. Aaaanyway back to the story Eddie Cochran- the 50-60's Gretsch playing crooner and hero of Pete's (remmember the Who used to play his hit 'pretty Woman' live as well as Roy Orbitals techno smash- 'Summertime Blues') Hes most famous though for the biggest practical joke ever when he made out he was dead for 40 years haha what a nutter, it worked so well that Halifax wouldnt give him an account because they still belived he was dead! duh. Hes alright i suppose, bit of a poser if you ask me, but his Petes mate so....Anyway as usual, i digress. Now Johnny, as you will know, is a bit of a fave with the tottie, and when Johnny's with you you know you will pull. Women love him. He is such a nice guy though he dont see it himself and thinks the world is a very lovely place where all the females follow your bus all the way to nottinghill gate waving their knickers and they do that with everyone. Bless him. They dont. His mates however take full advantage of this lack of knowledge on his part and do more shagging than a pack of meer cats in season. The bird in this pic run the Coats kiosk in the club. She asked Johnny if he would sign her tits and then before you could say 'are those puppies for sale' theyre out and hes scribbling away, next Eddie signs his and eagerly i take the pen and move in - the tits dissapear back in the bra and dress quicker than you could say bollocks. ''Back off ''she screams at me ''back off! ''no need for the mace love'' is all i could say. bitch. 'Must be a dyke' says Eddie.

All this time Pete, who is going out with the catlike beautiful singing bird Rachel Fuller, is talking to the bouncer about a synthesiser hes making that pulses real lasers to the moon and back before computing what random note it will generate through its powerful Tandy speakers and then blows up. He said he based it on mensturating women (i dunno what that means either) to my untrained ears it sounds like hes pushing his hand down on all the keys of his bontempi, but to him- aaaanyway i call him over and he takes the pic you see here. He gets a lot of interest from the ladies but hes not interested, in fact he looks like his missing his piano playing princess and is quiet, he got in a strop though when some bird says to him ''you were in the great escape wernt you?'' ''Go and piss up a rope you fat cow!'' he says to her while giving me daggers.(he hates being mistaken for Donald Pleasence) 'Another drink Pete?' I mime across the dancefloor by shaking an imaginary glass near my mouth, he raises the finger which means 'not right now Neil im ok , but thanks for offering'' .... i shuffle away.

After the club we walk back to Pete's Nissan Sunny followed by a multitude of birds trying to get Johnny but are willing to make do if they cant( hopefully~)
''dont you miss pulling the birds now Pete?'' i ask
''no he says im in love''
''Whats in love?''
''well you know how you love me?'' says Pete
''well its similar to that but different and you want to shag them as well''
Eek i thought Pete's doing Acid again surely
''more than the once?' says i shocked
''yes and only them, for good'' says Pete
'' Heeeehehehe you had me going then you nutter'' i say
Pete stops and turns round, fights his way through the huge collection of stilleto wearing birds ive got around me and goes
''Neil, love is a wonderous thing, when it reigns ooer you, its like the sweat of Lovers laying in a field and only love can make it reign like tears from on high- Love reign ooer me''
he said as he looked to the heavens ''LOOOOOVE!!''' I wept openley there over the back of a toyota corrolla, moved by his great speech, he turned, clicked the alarm on his Nissan and said
''i feel blessed that i go home to Rachel''
at this point Johnny goes ''KEBAB AND CHIP VAN!!!!'' and his moment of reflection is swept away by a hundred and fifty birds in white stillettos running across the road and stampedeing 'Joes greasy truckers' the late night fast food and poisoning van.

Later that night when i got up to have a fag and shannon, Louise, her twin sister joanne and that bird whos name i never heard but sounded like Sharon?, or Darren or something were sleeping loudly- i stood at the window- the whole of norwood green -the city of dreams twinkled below me like a thousand diamonds -on a bit of black crepe paper, the streetlights shimmering as reflections in the puddles of the soft rain. I pondered what Pete had said about this thing love, ''More than once?'' i thought as i surveyed the pile of miniskirts, knickers and diamond white bottles that lay everywhere slow realization dawned on me-''that fuckers done it again and ive believed it!!!'' more than once indeed! i must have gullible written across my forhead.
Wait till i see him
An ex-girlfriend of mine used to have a cuddly cat toy with a huge dome shaped head, she loved it- I hated this thing wherever i seemed to go this disfigured evil cat seemed to be watching me. I became convinced that higher powers were observing me through minature cameras and mics placed up its arse. I went at it with my magnifying glass and a pair of tweezers. I found nothing. I called it 'moon cat'. One july afternoon i was out in the countryside driving my Rover princess and i swore that 'Moon cat' overtook me at denham roundabout i can see his green face even now as his scooter sped past me, his bendy pipecleaner tail mocking me two cars ahead...I told the girlfriend of this and other strange sightings, she thought i was mad and mocked my fear. Then one night she herself saw him at the queen anne pub in vauxhall heckling a stripper , she stuffed him in a carrier bag and left. He had to go so in the end I stuffed him down the back of a wardrobe when we moved but I often look up to the moon and wonder whether 'moon cat' actually came from there, and if he was- had he returned ? his mission failed ...

Probably not, but a television program on last night that I watched last night on television attempted to debunk the very loud shouting in most circles that the moon landings didn't actually take place at all and were in fact filmed in sheperton studios by a bloke called Morris with a cine 8 camera and a floodlight. Here are the facts - the conspiracy people believe the following 'irrefutable' evidence as their mantra and upon this rubbish rests their entire case-
1. There are anomalies on the famous polaroid pictures taken by Neil 'buzz' asprin such as shadows being inside out and a bloke with a ladder that looks like a tree. In the moving film of asprin jumping up by elastic in the background a munchkin appears to hang himself from the tree.
2. Van diemens radiation belt would have fried them up before they undid their seatbelts and the drinks trolley came round anyway so man has never been to the moon. or even up higher than what a plane does go. for every two feet in a straight up direction a human goes he must take with him double his own bodyweight in tin in order to survive. This includes staircases and buses. Experts have therefore calculated he would need a lot lot lot of it if he went up as high as what the moon is.
3. The sun would fire something at them. The sun fires hot pellets like an orange owl at odd moments, lethal for the i-pod the astronauts are travelling in, if this were to happen their Sun block would be inadequate protection from death. radioactive broadcasts from capital fm would be beamed into the i-pod and fatally that would be fatal for them.
4. One of the blokes went to see stretch Armstrong at his house on the same night he was supposed to be up there and he was in (the curtain moved and he heard someone go shhhhhh)
5. The flag is made of rubber and moves. Because there is no gravel on the moon it should fall off and land here but it never ever has. Also it only has 50 something stars on it and the US flag has a different 50 something on it.
6. There are no footprints in the dust or big stones of the moon surface made by ducks. NASA freely admits three of its crew were ducks. Hense 'its a big jump for a duck but a small step for a man..kind''
7. Theres a naked woman in one of the pics dancing with a tin man who has no genitals or heart. Doctors say 'rubbish' when told this one exists because science has proved that tin men cannot dance.

Those sixteen points are pretty good evidence of a cover-up to anyone not 'all there', but NASA humored them and still the rumours perspire. The show said all the above points were rubbish and explained everything to these idiots and you should have seen their faces. However there was one point I wasn't satisfied with. One point they couldn't clear up with me. It was one about a photo I have in my possession which I reproduce here and now (left or right) above take a look, a careful look see anything odd? No?Look again look at the figures visor, click on the picture to make it bigger and look carefully at the visor.... yes correct it is of a pattern not used on appollo missions at all its a mark five visor, its impossible!! NASA says 'please stop ringing this number sir'' and well they might , i think a cover up has been covered up in a large scale hiding of facts, all I can say is theres something not right about this picture and this mystery isn't over by a long chalk of chalk yet. Me and some other people will go at this story like a gang of kittens at an unfinished tapestry. I wont be silenced, we have a right to know what this means for us, is 'moon cat' involved? he could be the masterplanner, their godhead, his spaceship a bone china teacup!!! This mystery looks set to go on anon