Some of you may know that i went out with Jodie Foster recently, it was a very quick, very 'intense' relationship to say the least. When i met her she was under the impression that she was a lesbian- of course she isnt now, but she wouldnt credit me with that -oh no. Jodie is a lovely girl, sexy as hell-but shes a stubborn little cow as well. We go way way way back to when she starred in the kids movie ''Bugsy malone'' the movie had a very strange script in which the gangster kids shot at each other with tommy guns which fired custard pies- basically it was really rubbish! Jodie was 12 and i was 9 but we fell in love instantly, and immediately there and then. I played her best friend a little girl called denise because at 9 i looked more like a girl than a boy, the dress my mother insist i wear out never helped though.
When the movie ended we went our seperate ways, i had my future mapped out for me -a slow paced walk into lifelong obscurity and the life of a hobo, her onto do silence of the clams, the seafood movie that made her millions, and a household name, like chair or kitchen. She won 60 academy awards for her part of clarice sparrow, the seafood expert and agent for Macfisheries, who goes to see the most intelligent fish expert in the world - Dr Cannibal spectre who lives in a cell played by the welsher Sir Anthony Hopkins, as soon as i watched the whole movie a couple of times and then the credits i knew it was her, the same girl id fallen in love with when i was a cross dressing infant. I had to meet her again, i searched high and low for her address in the phone book and got nowhere, then one day whilst signing on i see this vision of beauty coming out of Southall snooker hall with aman/woman in dungarees, and getting in a Ford Zodiac, ''Jodie!' i shouted, ''i dont talk to men'' she said and drove off, i gave chase on a plastic scooter i commandered of a five year old, a mile up the road the traffic built up and i was gaining on her rapidly, she kept looking at me in the mirror as i pushed the plastic red scooter along behind her, as i finally drew close the lights turned red, she braked hard, i didnt and me and the scooter ended up smashed on the road- well i wasnt but the scooter was well and truely knackered', coming to my senses, i jumped in the passenger seat, bowed my head and said ''Jodie it s me - Neil from 1974, remember the girl- your best friend? it was me, im a boy im a boy but my ma wont admit it im a boy im a boy I M A BOY!'' and sang and danced about like a tit. ''Oh my god'' she said ''my best friend i do remember you, and you were a boy all along? thats why i thought i was a lesbian because ive never stopped loving you'' we embraced and kissed and made love right there in the car,i was brilliant and i knew it, we did both the positions and everything.
Afterwards i lit up a fag and i said to her ''is that a drive in macdonalds over there because im gasping for a cuppa ill buy you one too, no leave your money alone, this is my shout!'' we spent the evening, talking about the old days drinking tea and making a mess of her car with plastic spoons, polystyrene cups and napkins. This was it, the big one, i was in love with her by 2am, the way she flicked her hair, her accent her cute little nose, we talked about her great acting in 'clams' that 'panicroom' one where she dont wear a bra and runs away from burglars in a big house, Taxi driver where she drives the taxi,and the other one about the aliens and then she said ''yeh yeh and somersby and maverick with mel gibson'' I went quiet suddenly remembering those two films..... ''whats up Neil have i upset you?'' ''neil?'' horror went through my body like an anesthtic, cold and creeping up your arm. My mouth was dry and and i felt that my toungue was too big for my gob, ''I , I, I.....'' ''Oh stone the crows is that really the time, id better go actually Jodie, mums doing me potato waffles and fish fingers tonight, great seeing you though eh? t ta!'' i left her in Macdonalds car park looking a little confused, bloody somersby, the worse film ever made, but wait no thats not true- Maverick was the worse with somersby right up its tailpipe- has she no shame at all? Bloody Lesbians!