Wednesday, 9 June 2010
LOVE RAINED O'ER ME
Me and Johnny Depp go way way back to when he was playing Eddie stupid-hands some 70 years ago and I was a scene shifter at Richmond Theatre where he was doing a stupid-hands matinee. Basically weve been like brothers ever since i told him i was tight with Pete Townshend- Johnny is a big Who fan and when we go out he pretends to be terrified that Pete wont come. ''it wont be just you will it?' he goes 'hehe. Aaaanyway back to the story Eddie Cochran- the 50-60's Gretsch playing crooner and hero of Pete's (remmember the Who used to play his hit 'pretty Woman' live as well as Roy Orbitals techno smash- 'Summertime Blues') Hes most famous though for the biggest practical joke ever when he made out he was dead for 40 years haha what a nutter, it worked so well that Halifax wouldnt give him an account because they still belived he was dead! duh. Hes alright i suppose, bit of a poser if you ask me, but his Petes mate so....Anyway as usual, i digress. Now Johnny, as you will know, is a bit of a fave with the tottie, and when Johnny's with you you know you will pull. Women love him. He is such a nice guy though he dont see it himself and thinks the world is a very lovely place where all the females follow your bus all the way to nottinghill gate waving their knickers and they do that with everyone. Bless him. They dont. His mates however take full advantage of this lack of knowledge on his part and do more shagging than a pack of meer cats in season. The bird in this pic run the Coats kiosk in the club. She asked Johnny if he would sign her tits and then before you could say 'are those puppies for sale' theyre out and hes scribbling away, next Eddie signs his and eagerly i take the pen and move in - the tits dissapear back in the bra and dress quicker than you could say bollocks. ''Back off ''she screams at me ''back off! ''no need for the mace love'' is all i could say. bitch. 'Must be a dyke' says Eddie.
All this time Pete, who is going out with the catlike beautiful singing bird Rachel Fuller, is talking to the bouncer about a synthesiser hes making that pulses real lasers to the moon and back before computing what random note it will generate through its powerful Tandy speakers and then blows up. He said he based it on mensturating women (i dunno what that means either) to my untrained ears it sounds like hes pushing his hand down on all the keys of his bontempi, but to him- aaaanyway i call him over and he takes the pic you see here. He gets a lot of interest from the ladies but hes not interested, in fact he looks like his missing his piano playing princess and is quiet, he got in a strop though when some bird says to him ''you were in the great escape wernt you?'' ''Go and piss up a rope you fat cow!'' he says to her while giving me daggers.(he hates being mistaken for Donald Pleasence) 'Another drink Pete?' I mime across the dancefloor by shaking an imaginary glass near my mouth, he raises the finger which means 'not right now Neil im ok , but thanks for offering'' .... i shuffle away.
After the club we walk back to Pete's Nissan Sunny followed by a multitude of birds trying to get Johnny but are willing to make do if they cant( hopefully~)
''dont you miss pulling the birds now Pete?'' i ask
''no he says im in love''
''Whats in love?''
''well you know how you love me?'' says Pete
''well its similar to that but different and you want to shag them as well''
Eek i thought Pete's doing Acid again surely
''more than the once?' says i shocked
''yes and only them, for good'' says Pete
'' Heeeehehehe you had me going then you nutter'' i say
Pete stops and turns round, fights his way through the huge collection of stilleto wearing birds ive got around me and goes
''Neil, love is a wonderous thing, when it reigns ooer you, its like the sweat of Lovers laying in a field and only love can make it reign like tears from on high- Love reign ooer me''
he said as he looked to the heavens ''LOOOOOVE!!''' I wept openley there over the back of a toyota corrolla, moved by his great speech, he turned, clicked the alarm on his Nissan and said
''i feel blessed that i go home to Rachel''
at this point Johnny goes ''KEBAB AND CHIP VAN!!!!'' and his moment of reflection is swept away by a hundred and fifty birds in white stillettos running across the road and stampedeing 'Joes greasy truckers' the late night fast food and poisoning van.
Later that night when i got up to have a fag and shannon, Louise, her twin sister joanne and that bird whos name i never heard but sounded like Sharon?, or Darren or something were sleeping loudly- i stood at the window- the whole of norwood green -the city of dreams twinkled below me like a thousand diamonds -on a bit of black crepe paper, the streetlights shimmering as reflections in the puddles of the soft rain. I pondered what Pete had said about this thing love, ''More than once?'' i thought as i surveyed the pile of miniskirts, knickers and diamond white bottles that lay everywhere slow realization dawned on me-''that fuckers done it again and ive believed it!!!'' more than once indeed! i must have gullible written across my forhead.
Wait till i see him