It is'nt rememberence sunday today and i thought id write my own little tribute to the members of my family who were involved in the country's wars. My family have always loved to fight and so have always been in the army or navy or air force when a

The picture on the right is my Ancestor Charles 'nutter' Emery (third from right, blank expression) This picture was taken in south africa in the Zulu Wars of 188something. 50 thousand Zulu warriors hove into view an hour after this picture was taken. He won the order of the British empire, the George cross, the OBE and the victoria cross for what he did next- when noone was looking he dodged behind a tree, covered himself with boot polish, made a grass skirt and made a spear out of a stick, after this he joined the Zulus while they were ransacking the now destroyed British camp and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible by singing 'call me al' from Paul Simon's graceland LP and most of Black mombasas back catalogue (all male african singing quartet) After charging to the next British camp at Isandlewana and helping in the victory there he went back and made camp with the victourious Zulus he later said he quite enjoyed the topless dancing and was said to have partied 'until the shadows were long in the sand' Great, Great Grandpop Emery was suffering from a head cold at this time and unbeknown to him it was fatal in those days for Zulus and he managed to kill most of them while he was making a lemsip and passing it round at night . In the morning they were all dead- the wounded were crying out for hot water bottles, night nurse and tissues, he had to close his ears and leave the awful sight behind.He stowed away on an oil tanker headed for staines. When he returned to England he lied and said hed shot the lot with a gun and Queen Victoria gave him the medals for being so brave. Unfourtunately he slipped on the stairs on the way to buck palace and broke his neck, he was buried two days later in the ground in a quiet family ceremony which noone in the family went to.

Another ancestor Silus 'slowcoach' Emery was at waterloo in 18something and 5 he was the back end of Wellingtons horse- the front end was his brother Betty 'Ladyboy' Emery who had brought the wrong costume so for a while the famous Duke's warhorse looked like a cow from the front, luckily he managed to turn the udders inside out and save further embarrassment for Wellington, happily they were both put out to pasture after the battle and lived out the rest of their lives running about in a field next to heathrow airport.

My Uncle was at the battle of Ypres in Belguim at the end of the first world war, he suffered shell shock they say whenever he heard the whine of a shell or the crack of a bullet he would run at high speed away from the enemy screaming-noone could stop him until he reached Slough trading estate, whereupon he would climb in a skip and start talking in tongues, they took him back 28 times-and he was subject to torture by Colonic Irrigation until eventually he was shot by firing squad for cowardice in the face of an enema. (boom boom!) He was just 59, his name appears on the memorial to the useless in Menin gate belgium.

In the second world war my grandfather Eddie 'liability' Emery was a fighter pilot and was shot down over the English coast. He was bravely taking part in one of the most important air battles the world has ever known- the battle of Britain. His messershmidt 109E fighter was coming back from a raid on London when he was hit by a coastal AA catapault fired by a girl, he crash landed in Dover, the aircraft made it safely back to base. He was gutted. Hitler was said to have said 'keep him' when offered a swap with a another british pilot. The British gave him the George Medal because the one bomb he did drop landed on the cherry tree pub in West Drayton, thankfully destroying it completely. He spent the rest of the war in prison for treason, or some other jumped up charge. He was hung in 1945 at the tower of london in London.

My great uncle Savage was a crap Paratrooper who jumped at arnham,not the battle of arnham -this was a year before that, he jumped for no reason. (thats a picture of him in a stolen officers uniform below) he strapped a paraqueet to his back and jumped out- sadly he plunged to his death, the inquest found he wasnt dyslexic just really really stupid. The Germans pissed their pants so it is said. He was awarded the Iron Cross posthumously by the Germans because he had boosted their moral. Noone knows the fate of the poor paraqueet, although some reports suggest the Germans painted him grey and had him made into a cuckoo clock, bastards -no doubt another casualty of war. My father was a lance corporal in the Royal army service corp in the fifties as part of his national service- unfourtunately the only action he saw was in the bar, he has many a scar from falling over on the way back to the base though. After 3 years based all over germany he came home with knowledge of only four German phrases 'Eggs' 'waiter' ''Ladyboy?' and 'Bugger off i didnt touch her'' which is one more than he knows in English.

And so that brings us to the modern day and my fighting history - Ive seen in action in most of the adventure playgrounds in this country, me Pete and his mates 'the hoodies' from Acton Vale used to think nothing of piling into a scrap every time we saw a much younger, smaller kid on his own, so yes weve done our bit i can tell you. Me and Pete used to reguarly tell his bigger bodygaurds to have a fight with the smaller bouncers at broadway boulevard in ealing because they wouldnt let us in.

Seated with pipe in gob is my great great grandfather, this is taken in africa during the time when we invaded countries and chased the natives out at the point of a bayonet for a laugh.

time of conflict occurs. The picture on the right is my Ancestor Charles 'nutter' Emery (third from right, blank expression) This picture was taken in south africa in the Zulu Wars of 188something. 50 thousand Zulu warriors hove into view an hour after this picture was taken. He won the order of the British empire, the George cross, the OBE and the victoria cross for what he did next- when noone was looking he dodged behind a tree, covered himself with boot polish, made a grass skirt and made a spear out of a stick, after this he joined the Zulus while they were ransacking the now destroyed British camp and tried to look as inconspicuous as possible by singing 'call me al' from Paul Simon's graceland LP and most of Black mombasas back catalogue (all male african singing quartet) After charging to the next British camp at Isandlewana and helping in the victory there he went back and made camp with the victourious Zulus he later said he quite enjoyed the topless dancing and was said to have partied 'until the shadows were long in the sand' Great, Great Grandpop Emery was suffering from a head cold at this time and unbeknown to him it was fatal in those days for Zulus and he managed to kill most of them while he was making a lemsip and passing it round at night . In the morning they were all dead- the wounded were crying out for hot water bottles, night nurse and tissues, he had to close his ears and leave the awful sight behind.He stowed away on an oil tanker headed for staines. When he returned to England he lied and said hed shot the lot with a gun and Queen Victoria gave him the medals for being so brave. Unfourtunately he slipped on the stairs on the way to buck palace and broke his neck, he was buried two days later in the ground in a quiet family ceremony which noone in the family went to.

Another ancestor Silus 'slowcoach' Emery was at waterloo in 18something and 5 he was the back end of Wellingtons horse- the front end was his brother Betty 'Ladyboy' Emery who had brought the wrong costume so for a while the famous Duke's warhorse looked like a cow from the front, luckily he managed to turn the udders inside out and save further embarrassment for Wellington, happily they were both put out to pasture after the battle and lived out the rest of their lives running about in a field next to heathrow airport.

My Uncle was at the battle of Ypres in Belguim at the end of the first world war, he suffered shell shock they say whenever he heard the whine of a shell or the crack of a bullet he would run at high speed away from the enemy screaming-noone could stop him until he reached Slough trading estate, whereupon he would climb in a skip and start talking in tongues, they took him back 28 times-and he was subject to torture by Colonic Irrigation until eventually he was shot by firing squad for cowardice in the face of an enema. (boom boom!) He was just 59, his name appears on the memorial to the useless in Menin gate belgium.

In the second world war my grandfather Eddie 'liability' Emery was a fighter pilot and was shot down over the English coast. He was bravely taking part in one of the most important air battles the world has ever known- the battle of Britain. His messershmidt 109E fighter was coming back from a raid on London when he was hit by a coastal AA catapault fired by a girl, he crash landed in Dover, the aircraft made it safely back to base. He was gutted. Hitler was said to have said 'keep him' when offered a swap with a another british pilot. The British gave him the George Medal because the one bomb he did drop landed on the cherry tree pub in West Drayton, thankfully destroying it completely. He spent the rest of the war in prison for treason, or some other jumped up charge. He was hung in 1945 at the tower of london in London.

My great uncle Savage was a crap Paratrooper who jumped at arnham,not the battle of arnham -this was a year before that, he jumped for no reason. (thats a picture of him in a stolen officers uniform below) he strapped a paraqueet to his back and jumped out- sadly he plunged to his death, the inquest found he wasnt dyslexic just really really stupid. The Germans pissed their pants so it is said. He was awarded the Iron Cross posthumously by the Germans because he had boosted their moral. Noone knows the fate of the poor paraqueet, although some reports suggest the Germans painted him grey and had him made into a cuckoo clock, bastards -no doubt another casualty of war. My father was a lance corporal in the Royal army service corp in the fifties as part of his national service- unfourtunately the only action he saw was in the bar, he has many a scar from falling over on the way back to the base though. After 3 years based all over germany he came home with knowledge of only four German phrases 'Eggs' 'waiter' ''Ladyboy?' and 'Bugger off i didnt touch her'' which is one more than he knows in English.

And so that brings us to the modern day and my fighting history - Ive seen in action in most of the adventure playgrounds in this country, me Pete and his mates 'the hoodies' from Acton Vale used to think nothing of piling into a scrap every time we saw a much younger, smaller kid on his own, so yes weve done our bit i can tell you. Me and Pete used to reguarly tell his bigger bodygaurds to have a fight with the smaller bouncers at broadway boulevard in ealing because they wouldnt let us in.